Me.

I like to close my eyes. And imagine, what life would be like without them. What life would be like without the people I love. Without the people who cares about me, and appreciates every bit of me. 

I like to close my eyes and visualize the mistakes I've put people through. The people I love. 

I like to close my eyes and think about the people who've hurt me more than once, yet, I can still feel a little lightning shocking my heart. A bit of pain, feeling like something's suffocating, squeezing my throat.

I like to close my eyes, breathe quietly,softer than a whisper, because I rather like hearing nature, than arguing with others,the people, who I need in my life. 

A room doesn't cover up my emotions.

A pillow doesn't wipe my tears. 

A scissor doesn't heal my scars.

A person doesn't always stand by me.

When I close my eyes, I see nothing but empty, but a place that's quiet, and peaceful sounds I'm surrounded by. 

When I close my eyes, it holds the tears that shouldn't be falling. 

Fear comes so free in this world, within me. 

I can never punish my life just because fear wants to get in the way of my purpose of living. Life is the definition of living and living is apart of life. 

I learn, and learned everything the hard way. but it's never the hardest way. I say, because, everything is so simple, but we don't see the phrase of simple in everything cause there are rules to follow. Rules put us to follow a duty, if we don't disobey it, we're doing the right thing. I want to do everything on my own, but yet I always need someone to hold my hand through it, just in case I get lost. 

I don't forgive and forget. I forget but forgive is hard to follow through. Nothing is easy to forgive, especially if something has pushed you off the edge of a platform. Has deceived you right in your eyes. Has misread your heart as a toy. Has no respect. 

I am different, but still is a normal human being. I choose different forces and terms. I choose the better then the worse. I choose happiness then sadness. I choose, him, and not them.

Advise, and Persuading someone is two different things. Advise is what questions you. It gives you opportunities. Gives you more choices than you will ever think if you were alone to think for yourself. Persuading something that they want you to believe, believe in something that shouldn't be thought by them because in your heart it's false. You rather do what makes you happy, not what others want you to be happy for. I, apply to this situation multiple times. I've never listened, I only follow what I do. 

I take so much anger, yet I cannot speak to anything I am angry for. Regretting words that I don't need to spit out of my mouth is fare enough to never make the wrong decisions, because I may lose someone special. Like him. 

My smile shows the meaning of my life. My tears shows the sadness of my hapiness, yet I am still living to the fullest. Dodging every bullet that's trying to shoot me down. 

I'm still me. I won't change. But if I do change someday. Then everyone around me will to. 

Chapter

Dear You,

I hope one day you can find it in your heart to love me as I have loved you: emphatically, and unconditionally. I hope you forgive my failures and celebrate my successes. I hope you won’t give up on me when I am too flawed to be loved. I hope the future I want is the future that we both want to have and that it’ll include waking up to your scent from your amazing hair and that breath of life that's always so close to mine. I hope one day you can lean on my shoulder and know that every ounce of me is yours for support. I hope you know how much to heart and agony and anguish I took upon myself and still am for that shit I've put you through--that pain and gunshot wounds from the battlefield I've thrown to you twice, but no more. I hope you really did forgive me and that we moved on from it, and that you know how much I'm sorry for that and won't ever do it again. I hope you know that I will always strive to win this competition between myself and your doubts and that as long as I can manage a breath, I will never stop giving up on you nor us and won't ever stop trying to win back your love, Malissa. Your love will always be the ultimate reward. Your love is all that I need that God provided for me, whom answered my most deepest prayer of all: to be worth something to someone and to be loved, to know what true love is. You're whom I want to be with. Whom I love. And whom I adore. I want you and need you. I love you deeply, Beautiful. I love us. And I love our forever chapter... All cause of you. Please, don't ever forget that. Don't ever forget how much you mean to me. How much you mean everything to me and you're worth my heart Hell and back. I'm here.

Sincerely,
Me.

Malissa, you've shown me that no matter how hard I try, no matter how much effort I put into us, I won't ever be able to make us the perfect couple. We might seem like the perfect couple but we’re so far from that. We fight and yell and cry at each other, but at the end of the day, we’re together because we try. Because we know that we're worth for each other. Because we truly fucking LOVE each other. I see so many relationships end because problems never get fixed. People apologize for fighting and for starting it, but there’s always a want and a fight against that want. And while some apologize for the fight, nothing actually gets fixed. The key to our success, I think, is that you have the mindset where you know that we need to fix things as soon as there’s a problem, and you're teaching me that slowly but surely. I'm no longer going to run away from the problems. I'm no longer give up. Cause you never gave up on me. So I won't ever give up on myself, and for damn sure not going to give up on you nor us. We work hard to compromise and to give each other what we need the most.

Nothing comes to you easily. You always have to fight for what you love and love for what you fight for. You once told me that you can’t change your circumstances, only how you view them. And so this is how I choose to view what was given to me. Sometimes beautiful things come into our lives out of nowhere. We can’t always understand them, but we have to trust in them. And I trust you with all my heart. I trust you enough to not show in front of you as some man trying to prove something to a woman, but I trust you more than enough to show you the real me--a simple kid who's hella in love with you and never hides no secrets and just giving you all that I got and can give. I want to question everything and sometimes even give up on myself at times, but you’ve shown me that it pays to have a little faith. So, thank you for coming into my life. Thank you for choosing me. Thank you for believing in me. Hell, thank you for loving me...

 

 

I know you're sleeping peacefully and tiredly, but i just want you to know that Im so thankful to have you in my life.. My gawd im so blessed to have such an amazing woman as you as my significant other.brother Ricky whos shown me some hella dope tracks, ima make a piece. A piece specifically of us. A piece where it can define all the things we went through, and all the things we'll go through in the future together, a piece where it tells struggle yet endurance, pain yet love, hurt yet strong. This piece, will be definitely for us.And for your family... each of them i have a great memory with. With Ricky, Jenny, your parents, even Stanley. Believe it or not, not only have you made such a tremendous impact in my life, but your family has made such an impact as well. I wont disappoint you. Im sick of failing and disappointing people. I wont disappoint you, nor your family. I will do better. I will be better. I am going to be better.I love you and let's keep our chapter going babe.



- You said you always read my blog. Just remember these words you told me. I never forgot them, you shouldn't either.

Scramble Thoughts

Life has everything we could ever imagine. Sometimes though, In our individual life, we expect more, and sometimes, we offer more, but then, we get nothing out of it. Friendship, we all have friends, trustworthy is what we always believe in when we know each other for a very long time, but then again, they come and go. Just like relationships, man, women. They come and go as well. But should I be worried that he might leave? Should I be worried about trusting him wherever he may be? or who he's talking to? Not at all. If it takes courage to actually trust someone then you must need to do something much better then trying to give in for trusting someone who you're being suspicious about. Don't get me wrong, when you meet someone who you absolutely don't know, you don't know there history, timeline, life story, what they've been through, and what mistakes they've have made or is going to make sooner or later. I was in that stage, where I didn't know who he was. Didn't know one thing about him, in fact, I actually was very interested getting to know him. The look on his face seems so innocent. His body language seemed so shy, very respectful actually. A little spark about our future but it's just a crush really, when you like someone and you have a crush on someone right then. That's how I felt about him. I never really believe at love first sight, but him... For some reason he was there, even though we barely talked. He was there through everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. 

A mistake, a choice. Anyone can say whatever they like, but what will it change? You can feel the guilt, the pain in your chest every time you hear what you did wrong, or hear something similar that you've been through, That agony that runs through your whole body, you just want to plug your hears, but your fault, it's what you have to hear, maybe not for the rest of your life, but for the moment being. You can feel anything how ever you want, but it's not going to change the view you put yourself through or how you acted. No matter if you enjoyed doing it, No matter if you had second thoughts but still did it. It's everything you put yourself through, due to the fact that you shouldn't have. Learn from not feeling that guilt, Learn from not punching yourself down even further when you know you don't have to go that far. It's not going to take you anywhere. 

It's okay, I get hurt, feel the pain 10 times worse as you when It. It hurts very much to where that moment that I lived in, I'm living in once again. No matter how many times I think about it, It wont change anything, it'll bring me back to me just being me, to me just living in my new moments. I can't keep pushing it towards my life and letting it affect me when I know I'm much more stronger. I'm much more patient to let good things come sooner or later. I'm not afraid to wait, not impatient to know what's going on or what's going to happen. 

ALL of this, everything I just typed. I learned from dealing with a mistake I thought i'd never face once in my life. Mistakes didn't teach me this, Time didn't. He taught me. Because he actually cared, I stayed. Even if he may of had feelings for someone else, or thought he did, I still stayed. I give and give and give each and everyday, I tell myself, "Malissa, don't screw up this time". Because I know if I screw up, then this relationship that I have will break down into pieces. Because of me I brought this relationship back alive, because of me, I put this relationship in check, because of me, He became stronger than before, and I don't just give credit for myself, I give him the best, the best that he's done to keep me alive, the best that he's done to walk to me no matter how far he is. 

When I feel alone, when I feel like no one can hear me scream, He's right there to make everything right. He knows how it feels to be alone, how it feels to be hurt. He's doing everything he can but no one sees it. All they see is the dirt and mistakes he built. He's doing everything he can, and yet this is still not his best because he, and I believe that we can do more. 

Now an days, I do miss how things use to be. Driving around, being spontaneous for the whole day, walk around, and have dinner together, playing in the arcade, doing everything instead of just staying home, just enjoy the outside for once... Sometimes I miss the way we could just sit down with the piano and play music, to kill time. Sometimes, I miss the way we'd just sit and talk about random things, Sometimes I miss watching YouTube videos and having the boring moments but at the same time laugh through it. 

Now an days it's so hard for me to tell how I feel because everything has changed. When, or will I ever see those days again. When will I ever walk around with him again and hold his hand. It's been awhile since I've actually stayed out to enjoy the sun. Always working... Saturdays are just not Saturdays anymore. days are passing by so fast... will I ever see that special days again? 

I sit outside and wonder... Life got to be pretty hard, but then because of him, it made it a bit easier to understand what happiness meant. I was always stressed about not succeeding because I had to impress the family, I had to do the right thing, even though I was a bit late to do that, he was there to push me to it, not letting me give up. He's amazing, everything he does is amazing. He gives so much, does so much, yet it's not the end of it. Even though sometimes he doesn't do much, I don't push him to do anything but to just stay happy with me and with life no matter how hard it's bringing him down. He does things that makes me really angry, does things that makes me upset, say things that makes me jealous sometimes, makes me depressed but in the end he's still my Baby, Still my Pakim. I will never look at him differently, maybe people have before in his past that's why it's so hard for him to see a girl like me fall for him, a girl like me to maybe at least 70% understand him and say things he does agree. I never looked at him any different from the first time I met him. 

People out there would lust to have what he has, would lust for the way he is living, it may not be the best, but it'd be better then what others are living like or having in there life. People would lust for a talent like him so they wouldn't be so bored doing what they wish to have that don't have. People would lust for an education that he sometimes doesn't take advantage of it because he's such a lazy bum, but People out there,  would cherish every moment he has with his friends, and his girlfriend. 

- No matter much how you try, No matter how much you fall, No matter how much you feel like your not worth it, No matter how many times all of this is repeating over and over again, Don't EVER let this affect to what you're trying to go against, because what you're going against is not what should hold you down, it's what should make you stronger, fuck what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, you know little things will kill you inside, even if it's just words but you gotta listen what your heart is feelings, it's feeling upset? don't you hear the beating? once it stops, you're through, and that is not a way to stop everything that's repeating in your life over and over again. If you want or need something, you need to work for it, not being lazy, not taking other things for granted, if you really need something, take advantage of that, don't take advantage of something that you don't need in your life. 

-People may say things to you, that'll hurt you, that'll let you down so easily, but when you're that easily, you're letting them win, that's what I learned from you. You let people get into your life so easily that they're over powering your ability to man up. It's time to let the old guy go and bring out the best, and stronger him.

I know you hate losing people in your life, but there are times where you can't give a fuck about that because if they hurt you once, twice, they'll do it again and you'll lose everything. It sucks feeling alone, but they don't need you. They have other people, there not alone, and your not either. I've let so many people go and I hate losing people, but I had to because my happiness count, and those people affected the people that I love and care for. If you let the enemy take your time to be in your life, then you haven't learn one single thing. You can't forgive so easily because that person hurt the one you've always wanted a chance with, always wanted to man up and talk, introduce yourself, do all that work, and you give in so easily by accepting your enemy anyways? It's time to learn it the hard way but deal with it the right way. 

Life is not all about forgiveness or taking people in even though there your enemy or not. It's about doing the right thing, make right choices, not accept the wrongs and think everything is going to be okay, it's not all about saving the ones who you let go. If they care that much, they would come to you, not you come to them. If your enemy's cared, they wouldn't do such horrible thing, to let you go through such disaster and almost losing the one you love, family, friends. Let go the hard way, but live it the right way. 

People come and go. Nothing created people to stay forever. 

No matter how I feel, what I typed, what I know.I'm going to stay happy and work everything out the best I can. I didn't live to underestimate myself or my relationship, or my life. I'm here to learn how to be the greatest person,staying true,and happy, now Imma pass it on to the people I love. 

Especially to him. Pakim.

-Malissa 7/3/12