A mistake, a choice. Anyone can say whatever they like, but what will it change? You can feel the guilt, the pain in your chest every time you hear what you did wrong, or hear something similar that you've been through, That agony that runs through your whole body, you just want to plug your hears, but your fault, it's what you have to hear, maybe not for the rest of your life, but for the moment being. You can feel anything how ever you want, but it's not going to change the view you put yourself through or how you acted. No matter if you enjoyed doing it, No matter if you had second thoughts but still did it. It's everything you put yourself through, due to the fact that you shouldn't have. Learn from not feeling that guilt, Learn from not punching yourself down even further when you know you don't have to go that far. It's not going to take you anywhere.
It's okay, I get hurt, feel the pain 10 times worse as you when It. It hurts very much to where that moment that I lived in, I'm living in once again. No matter how many times I think about it, It wont change anything, it'll bring me back to me just being me, to me just living in my new moments. I can't keep pushing it towards my life and letting it affect me when I know I'm much more stronger. I'm much more patient to let good things come sooner or later. I'm not afraid to wait, not impatient to know what's going on or what's going to happen.
ALL of this, everything I just typed. I learned from dealing with a mistake I thought i'd never face once in my life. Mistakes didn't teach me this, Time didn't. He taught me. Because he actually cared, I stayed. Even if he may of had feelings for someone else, or thought he did, I still stayed. I give and give and give each and everyday, I tell myself, "Malissa, don't screw up this time". Because I know if I screw up, then this relationship that I have will break down into pieces. Because of me I brought this relationship back alive, because of me, I put this relationship in check, because of me, He became stronger than before, and I don't just give credit for myself, I give him the best, the best that he's done to keep me alive, the best that he's done to walk to me no matter how far he is.
When I feel alone, when I feel like no one can hear me scream, He's right there to make everything right. He knows how it feels to be alone, how it feels to be hurt. He's doing everything he can but no one sees it. All they see is the dirt and mistakes he built. He's doing everything he can, and yet this is still not his best because he, and I believe that we can do more.
Now an days, I do miss how things use to be. Driving around, being spontaneous for the whole day, walk around, and have dinner together, playing in the arcade, doing everything instead of just staying home, just enjoy the outside for once... Sometimes I miss the way we could just sit down with the piano and play music, to kill time. Sometimes, I miss the way we'd just sit and talk about random things, Sometimes I miss watching YouTube videos and having the boring moments but at the same time laugh through it.
Now an days it's so hard for me to tell how I feel because everything has changed. When, or will I ever see those days again. When will I ever walk around with him again and hold his hand. It's been awhile since I've actually stayed out to enjoy the sun. Always working... Saturdays are just not Saturdays anymore. days are passing by so fast... will I ever see that special days again?
I sit outside and wonder... Life got to be pretty hard, but then because of him, it made it a bit easier to understand what happiness meant. I was always stressed about not succeeding because I had to impress the family, I had to do the right thing, even though I was a bit late to do that, he was there to push me to it, not letting me give up. He's amazing, everything he does is amazing. He gives so much, does so much, yet it's not the end of it. Even though sometimes he doesn't do much, I don't push him to do anything but to just stay happy with me and with life no matter how hard it's bringing him down. He does things that makes me really angry, does things that makes me upset, say things that makes me jealous sometimes, makes me depressed but in the end he's still my Baby, Still my Pakim. I will never look at him differently, maybe people have before in his past that's why it's so hard for him to see a girl like me fall for him, a girl like me to maybe at least 70% understand him and say things he does agree. I never looked at him any different from the first time I met him.
People out there would lust to have what he has, would lust for the way he is living, it may not be the best, but it'd be better then what others are living like or having in there life. People would lust for a talent like him so they wouldn't be so bored doing what they wish to have that don't have. People would lust for an education that he sometimes doesn't take advantage of it because he's such a lazy bum, but People out there, would cherish every moment he has with his friends, and his girlfriend.
- No matter much how you try, No matter how much you fall, No matter how much you feel like your not worth it, No matter how many times all of this is repeating over and over again, Don't EVER let this affect to what you're trying to go against, because what you're going against is not what should hold you down, it's what should make you stronger, fuck what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, you know little things will kill you inside, even if it's just words but you gotta listen what your heart is feelings, it's feeling upset? don't you hear the beating? once it stops, you're through, and that is not a way to stop everything that's repeating in your life over and over again. If you want or need something, you need to work for it, not being lazy, not taking other things for granted, if you really need something, take advantage of that, don't take advantage of something that you don't need in your life.
-People may say things to you, that'll hurt you, that'll let you down so easily, but when you're that easily, you're letting them win, that's what I learned from you. You let people get into your life so easily that they're over powering your ability to man up. It's time to let the old guy go and bring out the best, and stronger him.
I know you hate losing people in your life, but there are times where you can't give a fuck about that because if they hurt you once, twice, they'll do it again and you'll lose everything. It sucks feeling alone, but they don't need you. They have other people, there not alone, and your not either. I've let so many people go and I hate losing people, but I had to because my happiness count, and those people affected the people that I love and care for. If you let the enemy take your time to be in your life, then you haven't learn one single thing. You can't forgive so easily because that person hurt the one you've always wanted a chance with, always wanted to man up and talk, introduce yourself, do all that work, and you give in so easily by accepting your enemy anyways? It's time to learn it the hard way but deal with it the right way.
Life is not all about forgiveness or taking people in even though there your enemy or not. It's about doing the right thing, make right choices, not accept the wrongs and think everything is going to be okay, it's not all about saving the ones who you let go. If they care that much, they would come to you, not you come to them. If your enemy's cared, they wouldn't do such horrible thing, to let you go through such disaster and almost losing the one you love, family, friends. Let go the hard way, but live it the right way.
People come and go. Nothing created people to stay forever.
No matter how I feel, what I typed, what I know.I'm going to stay happy and work everything out the best I can. I didn't live to underestimate myself or my relationship, or my life. I'm here to learn how to be the greatest person,staying true,and happy, now Imma pass it on to the people I love.
Especially to him. Pakim.
-Malissa 7/3/12
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