My Random Scribble Thoughts...

It's okay to say your afraid to lose that someone because it's better to be the truth than the lie. Relationship wise, everyone has there ways of loving, letting go, fighting for, different opinions. So you should never judge anyone by what choices who makes. In others eyes may see you dumb, stupid... but in my heart I call it love. A mistake is so easy to act, but so hard to let go especially if it involves someone who you love but has hurt them deeply. There is no turning back like what you've written on a piece of paper but can erase and replace with new words. All you can replace in reality of a mistake is learning from your experience and fill it up with new better memories.

I don't ask much in a relationship because happiness would be the number one priority to look upon. I don't need to ask for happiness because, one, it comes free.

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I look at love differently, I put time into the person I love when I have the day, and time. Especially if I don't see him often. I like to be spontaneous. The best part that I love the most, is walking along the water or sitting down somewhere near a lake, ocean, river and just relax with one another. Is it to much to ask for more then just a good memory once in awhile? I rather do it every time when I have the chance.

I see time as very limited. Oh shoot, we have this much hours, we have the whole day, finally, I would love to do something then just stay home and play games for a few hours when actually those few hours can spare with one another. 

I'm connected to nature the most, but never have time to explore... because, I never do what I like to do. I like to look at beautiful gardens and sit on the grass while looking at the sky, maybe that's to much to ask... Never done it before with someone, but hopefully someday this will come true.

My life is complicated but i tend to pass through the darkness. I make sure my happiness wins it all no matter how much pain I feel, how much I'm crying or feeling like giving up. I never let my rainy days take over my sunshine. I want to be a better person and learn how to forgive myself and also push myself further to my highest level of succeeding to what I dream. 

Once a enemy, will always be a enemy. What can I say, when I already have the people I love most here with me, I don't need no betrayers to come into my life and set things straight when clearly they should of never done wrong the first place. Forgiveness is never the answer but I tend to get by with it if it's someone who I truly love the most. 

People can say things about my life, relationship ect... but it wont fix anything. My own choices are what I may to follow, my decisions are what I am here to discuss on my own. I don't need no one to tell me what to do and not do when I have my own life to live and learn from my choices. Everyone makes mistakes, but people shouldn't judge you by doing it then being a real person to admit it. We are all humans, humans make mistakes, humans hurt. People look at one another with hatred when one persons done wrong, but there's no need to hate when clearly no one is perfect. 

Me.

I like to close my eyes. And imagine, what life would be like without them. What life would be like without the people I love. Without the people who cares about me, and appreciates every bit of me. 

I like to close my eyes and visualize the mistakes I've put people through. The people I love. 

I like to close my eyes and think about the people who've hurt me more than once, yet, I can still feel a little lightning shocking my heart. A bit of pain, feeling like something's suffocating, squeezing my throat.

I like to close my eyes, breathe quietly,softer than a whisper, because I rather like hearing nature, than arguing with others,the people, who I need in my life. 

A room doesn't cover up my emotions.

A pillow doesn't wipe my tears. 

A scissor doesn't heal my scars.

A person doesn't always stand by me.

When I close my eyes, I see nothing but empty, but a place that's quiet, and peaceful sounds I'm surrounded by. 

When I close my eyes, it holds the tears that shouldn't be falling. 

Fear comes so free in this world, within me. 

I can never punish my life just because fear wants to get in the way of my purpose of living. Life is the definition of living and living is apart of life. 

I learn, and learned everything the hard way. but it's never the hardest way. I say, because, everything is so simple, but we don't see the phrase of simple in everything cause there are rules to follow. Rules put us to follow a duty, if we don't disobey it, we're doing the right thing. I want to do everything on my own, but yet I always need someone to hold my hand through it, just in case I get lost. 

I don't forgive and forget. I forget but forgive is hard to follow through. Nothing is easy to forgive, especially if something has pushed you off the edge of a platform. Has deceived you right in your eyes. Has misread your heart as a toy. Has no respect. 

I am different, but still is a normal human being. I choose different forces and terms. I choose the better then the worse. I choose happiness then sadness. I choose, him, and not them.

Advise, and Persuading someone is two different things. Advise is what questions you. It gives you opportunities. Gives you more choices than you will ever think if you were alone to think for yourself. Persuading something that they want you to believe, believe in something that shouldn't be thought by them because in your heart it's false. You rather do what makes you happy, not what others want you to be happy for. I, apply to this situation multiple times. I've never listened, I only follow what I do. 

I take so much anger, yet I cannot speak to anything I am angry for. Regretting words that I don't need to spit out of my mouth is fare enough to never make the wrong decisions, because I may lose someone special. Like him. 

My smile shows the meaning of my life. My tears shows the sadness of my hapiness, yet I am still living to the fullest. Dodging every bullet that's trying to shoot me down. 

I'm still me. I won't change. But if I do change someday. Then everyone around me will to. 

Chapter

Dear You,

I hope one day you can find it in your heart to love me as I have loved you: emphatically, and unconditionally. I hope you forgive my failures and celebrate my successes. I hope you won’t give up on me when I am too flawed to be loved. I hope the future I want is the future that we both want to have and that it’ll include waking up to your scent from your amazing hair and that breath of life that's always so close to mine. I hope one day you can lean on my shoulder and know that every ounce of me is yours for support. I hope you know how much to heart and agony and anguish I took upon myself and still am for that shit I've put you through--that pain and gunshot wounds from the battlefield I've thrown to you twice, but no more. I hope you really did forgive me and that we moved on from it, and that you know how much I'm sorry for that and won't ever do it again. I hope you know that I will always strive to win this competition between myself and your doubts and that as long as I can manage a breath, I will never stop giving up on you nor us and won't ever stop trying to win back your love, Malissa. Your love will always be the ultimate reward. Your love is all that I need that God provided for me, whom answered my most deepest prayer of all: to be worth something to someone and to be loved, to know what true love is. You're whom I want to be with. Whom I love. And whom I adore. I want you and need you. I love you deeply, Beautiful. I love us. And I love our forever chapter... All cause of you. Please, don't ever forget that. Don't ever forget how much you mean to me. How much you mean everything to me and you're worth my heart Hell and back. I'm here.

Sincerely,
Me.

Malissa, you've shown me that no matter how hard I try, no matter how much effort I put into us, I won't ever be able to make us the perfect couple. We might seem like the perfect couple but we’re so far from that. We fight and yell and cry at each other, but at the end of the day, we’re together because we try. Because we know that we're worth for each other. Because we truly fucking LOVE each other. I see so many relationships end because problems never get fixed. People apologize for fighting and for starting it, but there’s always a want and a fight against that want. And while some apologize for the fight, nothing actually gets fixed. The key to our success, I think, is that you have the mindset where you know that we need to fix things as soon as there’s a problem, and you're teaching me that slowly but surely. I'm no longer going to run away from the problems. I'm no longer give up. Cause you never gave up on me. So I won't ever give up on myself, and for damn sure not going to give up on you nor us. We work hard to compromise and to give each other what we need the most.

Nothing comes to you easily. You always have to fight for what you love and love for what you fight for. You once told me that you can’t change your circumstances, only how you view them. And so this is how I choose to view what was given to me. Sometimes beautiful things come into our lives out of nowhere. We can’t always understand them, but we have to trust in them. And I trust you with all my heart. I trust you enough to not show in front of you as some man trying to prove something to a woman, but I trust you more than enough to show you the real me--a simple kid who's hella in love with you and never hides no secrets and just giving you all that I got and can give. I want to question everything and sometimes even give up on myself at times, but you’ve shown me that it pays to have a little faith. So, thank you for coming into my life. Thank you for choosing me. Thank you for believing in me. Hell, thank you for loving me...

 

 

I know you're sleeping peacefully and tiredly, but i just want you to know that Im so thankful to have you in my life.. My gawd im so blessed to have such an amazing woman as you as my significant other.brother Ricky whos shown me some hella dope tracks, ima make a piece. A piece specifically of us. A piece where it can define all the things we went through, and all the things we'll go through in the future together, a piece where it tells struggle yet endurance, pain yet love, hurt yet strong. This piece, will be definitely for us.And for your family... each of them i have a great memory with. With Ricky, Jenny, your parents, even Stanley. Believe it or not, not only have you made such a tremendous impact in my life, but your family has made such an impact as well. I wont disappoint you. Im sick of failing and disappointing people. I wont disappoint you, nor your family. I will do better. I will be better. I am going to be better.I love you and let's keep our chapter going babe.



- You said you always read my blog. Just remember these words you told me. I never forgot them, you shouldn't either.

Scramble Thoughts

Life has everything we could ever imagine. Sometimes though, In our individual life, we expect more, and sometimes, we offer more, but then, we get nothing out of it. Friendship, we all have friends, trustworthy is what we always believe in when we know each other for a very long time, but then again, they come and go. Just like relationships, man, women. They come and go as well. But should I be worried that he might leave? Should I be worried about trusting him wherever he may be? or who he's talking to? Not at all. If it takes courage to actually trust someone then you must need to do something much better then trying to give in for trusting someone who you're being suspicious about. Don't get me wrong, when you meet someone who you absolutely don't know, you don't know there history, timeline, life story, what they've been through, and what mistakes they've have made or is going to make sooner or later. I was in that stage, where I didn't know who he was. Didn't know one thing about him, in fact, I actually was very interested getting to know him. The look on his face seems so innocent. His body language seemed so shy, very respectful actually. A little spark about our future but it's just a crush really, when you like someone and you have a crush on someone right then. That's how I felt about him. I never really believe at love first sight, but him... For some reason he was there, even though we barely talked. He was there through everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. 

A mistake, a choice. Anyone can say whatever they like, but what will it change? You can feel the guilt, the pain in your chest every time you hear what you did wrong, or hear something similar that you've been through, That agony that runs through your whole body, you just want to plug your hears, but your fault, it's what you have to hear, maybe not for the rest of your life, but for the moment being. You can feel anything how ever you want, but it's not going to change the view you put yourself through or how you acted. No matter if you enjoyed doing it, No matter if you had second thoughts but still did it. It's everything you put yourself through, due to the fact that you shouldn't have. Learn from not feeling that guilt, Learn from not punching yourself down even further when you know you don't have to go that far. It's not going to take you anywhere. 

It's okay, I get hurt, feel the pain 10 times worse as you when It. It hurts very much to where that moment that I lived in, I'm living in once again. No matter how many times I think about it, It wont change anything, it'll bring me back to me just being me, to me just living in my new moments. I can't keep pushing it towards my life and letting it affect me when I know I'm much more stronger. I'm much more patient to let good things come sooner or later. I'm not afraid to wait, not impatient to know what's going on or what's going to happen. 

ALL of this, everything I just typed. I learned from dealing with a mistake I thought i'd never face once in my life. Mistakes didn't teach me this, Time didn't. He taught me. Because he actually cared, I stayed. Even if he may of had feelings for someone else, or thought he did, I still stayed. I give and give and give each and everyday, I tell myself, "Malissa, don't screw up this time". Because I know if I screw up, then this relationship that I have will break down into pieces. Because of me I brought this relationship back alive, because of me, I put this relationship in check, because of me, He became stronger than before, and I don't just give credit for myself, I give him the best, the best that he's done to keep me alive, the best that he's done to walk to me no matter how far he is. 

When I feel alone, when I feel like no one can hear me scream, He's right there to make everything right. He knows how it feels to be alone, how it feels to be hurt. He's doing everything he can but no one sees it. All they see is the dirt and mistakes he built. He's doing everything he can, and yet this is still not his best because he, and I believe that we can do more. 

Now an days, I do miss how things use to be. Driving around, being spontaneous for the whole day, walk around, and have dinner together, playing in the arcade, doing everything instead of just staying home, just enjoy the outside for once... Sometimes I miss the way we could just sit down with the piano and play music, to kill time. Sometimes, I miss the way we'd just sit and talk about random things, Sometimes I miss watching YouTube videos and having the boring moments but at the same time laugh through it. 

Now an days it's so hard for me to tell how I feel because everything has changed. When, or will I ever see those days again. When will I ever walk around with him again and hold his hand. It's been awhile since I've actually stayed out to enjoy the sun. Always working... Saturdays are just not Saturdays anymore. days are passing by so fast... will I ever see that special days again? 

I sit outside and wonder... Life got to be pretty hard, but then because of him, it made it a bit easier to understand what happiness meant. I was always stressed about not succeeding because I had to impress the family, I had to do the right thing, even though I was a bit late to do that, he was there to push me to it, not letting me give up. He's amazing, everything he does is amazing. He gives so much, does so much, yet it's not the end of it. Even though sometimes he doesn't do much, I don't push him to do anything but to just stay happy with me and with life no matter how hard it's bringing him down. He does things that makes me really angry, does things that makes me upset, say things that makes me jealous sometimes, makes me depressed but in the end he's still my Baby, Still my Pakim. I will never look at him differently, maybe people have before in his past that's why it's so hard for him to see a girl like me fall for him, a girl like me to maybe at least 70% understand him and say things he does agree. I never looked at him any different from the first time I met him. 

People out there would lust to have what he has, would lust for the way he is living, it may not be the best, but it'd be better then what others are living like or having in there life. People would lust for a talent like him so they wouldn't be so bored doing what they wish to have that don't have. People would lust for an education that he sometimes doesn't take advantage of it because he's such a lazy bum, but People out there,  would cherish every moment he has with his friends, and his girlfriend. 

- No matter much how you try, No matter how much you fall, No matter how much you feel like your not worth it, No matter how many times all of this is repeating over and over again, Don't EVER let this affect to what you're trying to go against, because what you're going against is not what should hold you down, it's what should make you stronger, fuck what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, you know little things will kill you inside, even if it's just words but you gotta listen what your heart is feelings, it's feeling upset? don't you hear the beating? once it stops, you're through, and that is not a way to stop everything that's repeating in your life over and over again. If you want or need something, you need to work for it, not being lazy, not taking other things for granted, if you really need something, take advantage of that, don't take advantage of something that you don't need in your life. 

-People may say things to you, that'll hurt you, that'll let you down so easily, but when you're that easily, you're letting them win, that's what I learned from you. You let people get into your life so easily that they're over powering your ability to man up. It's time to let the old guy go and bring out the best, and stronger him.

I know you hate losing people in your life, but there are times where you can't give a fuck about that because if they hurt you once, twice, they'll do it again and you'll lose everything. It sucks feeling alone, but they don't need you. They have other people, there not alone, and your not either. I've let so many people go and I hate losing people, but I had to because my happiness count, and those people affected the people that I love and care for. If you let the enemy take your time to be in your life, then you haven't learn one single thing. You can't forgive so easily because that person hurt the one you've always wanted a chance with, always wanted to man up and talk, introduce yourself, do all that work, and you give in so easily by accepting your enemy anyways? It's time to learn it the hard way but deal with it the right way. 

Life is not all about forgiveness or taking people in even though there your enemy or not. It's about doing the right thing, make right choices, not accept the wrongs and think everything is going to be okay, it's not all about saving the ones who you let go. If they care that much, they would come to you, not you come to them. If your enemy's cared, they wouldn't do such horrible thing, to let you go through such disaster and almost losing the one you love, family, friends. Let go the hard way, but live it the right way. 

People come and go. Nothing created people to stay forever. 

No matter how I feel, what I typed, what I know.I'm going to stay happy and work everything out the best I can. I didn't live to underestimate myself or my relationship, or my life. I'm here to learn how to be the greatest person,staying true,and happy, now Imma pass it on to the people I love. 

Especially to him. Pakim.

-Malissa 7/3/12 

You were my friend

It's sad to see a friend of mine walk away to someone else. It's sad to see a friend of mine put more time into someone else than me. Every step of the way, her happiness will always count. Every step of the way I will always support whatever she decides to do but... that's if she even realizes me in front of her.

We use to waste awesome times together, getting in trouble for the stupidest reasons by our parents, eat Mc donalds like there's no tomorrow, Take a 2 hour long walk, Make fun of each other, Make music, writing our blogs together, Playing games, making fun of people... You know that kind of stuff, that kind of best friendship that we use to have.

I wish you'd take a second to realize how I feel instead of just how your boyfriend feels. I wish you can look back at me and realize how many times you've pushed me back when someone else came into your life. I wish when you said you will do your best to put more time into us, I wish that happened. I wish you put effort into our friendship when that was the strongest thing in our life.

Don't get me wrong, I'm more than happy that you found someone in your life to love and cherish, but that doesn't mean forget about everything that was there before he was, before you even new him, before he even existed in your life.

I never left you out, never once forgot about you, never once left you hanging when you needed company, never ignored your calls or text or messages on Facebook, Never denied a hang out when you asked but when it comes to me? I'm not an existence in your life, I'm not near your mind or even crossed your mind.

When I had a boyfriend I never gave up on our friendship in fact my boyfriends in my past almost broke up with me because I put our best friendship in front of everything because that's how important our friendship was. Even now I still didn't put my love relationship in front of our friendship but now I see who you are, I see what you do when someone else comes into your life. You forget about what was ever there before. Throwing me out like a piece of paper.


I always told you from the very beginning, when you get into a relationship someday, don't forget about us, don't forget about our best friendship because boyfriends are never your everything, they come and go all the time, beginning of relationships always seem like the only one you're going to have, and some do last but that doesn't apply to every person In this world. Do you understand I ask? and you said Yes. How so?

Life is short and I cherish the people I love the most in my life because they've done a lot towards my life and made me happy and made me become a better person. You were one of them. You were one of those people who actually did more then what others wouldn't do. You made me laugh the hardest out of everyone.

What am I to you? once a month hang out? I'm not someone who you can just see once a month, Did you forget? I was your best friend, I was the one who put all my time into, Failed school because of you, Got in trouble because of you, took risk because of you, Failed to my goals because of you, did everything to make you happy as well, which I never forgot the good times to. I always cared about your education always made sure you did this and that, I wonder if your boyfriend ever even consider for you NOT to skip school?

Why do you think I broke up with Joe? because he was so clingy, he wanted all my times, I skipped school because of him, I thought he was the one of my life because of how nice he is, but really in the end when you break up, you'll look back and realize how much time you shouldn't of put those times in your boyfriend. I would have graduated, I would have got my diploma and get the fuck out of Renton High School. Remember the family you and I wanted? You, Cholo, Joe, and me? Will I'm not in that picture, In fact I hated that image. I didn't belong there because I'm someone that wants to achieve and get far in life, not stay home and skip school or do lazy things all the time. That wasn't the adventure I wanted.

Someday you're going to really need me, Someday when a reverse happens and he lets you go, the first person you're going to cry to is me, unless if you hide in your room all alone because you don't want to hear me say I told you so.

Someday you're going to understand how it feels to be let go, how it feels to be pushed back. Someday when you need me there, I'm not going to be there. Because I'm going to think your boyfriend is there, I'm going to take he can take care of your emotions and feelings. It's not my job anymore right? It's not my job to be there for you, it's not my job to protect you, it's not my job to feed you when your hungry, it's not going to be my job to hug you and wipe your tears when you cry because that's going to be all his jobs. So I hope he does a good job of it because the person I use to be...
Was your best friend. and you... Were my sister, my friend, my best friend.

My Beginning, My Story, My End

I'm not as different then every other girl. I have sensitive feelings like everyone else, and I tend to get mad at things that don't even matter. I'm really not that different. But one thing I'm different though, is that, I stay for certain situations, someones life when it means that much to me. I tend to clinch up my fist and fight through it no matter how hard my situation is or how bad it's beating me down. I'm still crawling out of my way in every possibility to make things right.

As I grow older, I will end up losing people, things, even if they're important. Losing a best friend, that's okay, she'll always be my best friend in my heart. Maybe we didn't grow up together in the same house, but we've known each other for a long time. Boys that hurt me, So many experience, and yet I still manage to move on and live without one, even though now I have someone who truly loves me for who I am. Finally right?.

I wish I can always take the easy route, because... I just want to finish everything quickly, and move on to the next part of my life, but living life is not about rushing through things, it's about, Spending the best, and worse moments in your life because we all only live once. It's a once in a life time chance to actually make something out of my life. I hate being a failure because I will step on myself even more if I don't like what I did. I hate crying because it hurts more. I hate calling myself stupid because I know better. I hate not using my brain even though it's there, I don't think hard enough even though I know I'm a smart girl.

My beginning, My story, and My end, has many many many things to express about. I haven't met my ending yet, but i just recently started my beginning with someone. That someone is incredible.

He's not just the one who loves me more then anyone has, but has also hurt me more then anyone has ever had. Our relationship has a timeline where everything happened so quickly, it's like we've been together for years, but yet it's been only 3 months. 3 months and bad things already got involved. I can't say he was to good to be true because everyone makes mistakes.

Why do I still love him? and Why do I still care for him?

Everything that he has done for me, there is more to it. A mistake can never add up to what he has done for me. Yet, If It was that easy to let him go even though he has kissed another girl, In the end I know I still love him. There is nothing I am afraid of except for him leaving me. I am dying afraid of that happening because if he leaves, How will I start my story? Our story has not begun yet, it is just the beginning.

I love him because he has everything that I need. A heart. A mans heart who is willing to give up everything for his women. A human being who is able to walk thousands of miles for his women. No matter how much he has lied, even right in my face as he apologize, I still yet believe, and trust every word he said. Are those tears just to back him up? Or are they foreals. I still can't yet understand why he would do such a thing, but in the end, everything is okay.

I guess, I have felt the worst pain, that there is no other pain in this relationship that can hurt me more, unless if he leaves, or he's gone in this world, then I would kill myself because he means that much to me.

He makes me so happy, He makes me laugh, He makes me feel like I'm on top of the world, Maybe not the only girl in the world, But the one who he calls beautiful, and cute. Music has brung us into a conclusion, falling inlove with music is amazing. It's a vibe that him and I feel, everytime, and every day.

So to answer the question, why do I still love him? Why do I care?

I love him because he's real, he's someone who I feel alive with, Saddness, and happiness at the same time. Without that, this relationship is just a zombie. But with everything that he has done, He has showed me so many different places, and yet, He created new memories with me that is now in front of my image to think about every single day when I feel upset, or sick. He brung music, Yes Music, Back to me and Music is the most important thing in my life, How can I live without my Music.

What I'm trying to say is....

Without him, None of this could have been possible, I would of never experienced. None of this. I would of never tried harder as a person, as a Human being. None of this without him, I would of never been able to cure my own pain, Without him, I would of never had such a strong bonding with my family. Without him... I wouldn't really of known how my feelings really meant until someone had to prove me there is someone out there who understands, who has been through the same.

He has a similiar story as I do, maybe not exact, but a similiar story where I am able to create a conversation with him.

He brings the light into my life. He brings the perfect image even when it rains. He brings the best in me. and I know for a fact, He, will bring US, to forever. And so will I.

He is my beginning, My story, and my ending.


We're the kings and queens today.

Tell me

"Just tell me if I'm wasting your time"